Abuse and the BLM

I have been posting a lot lately on Facebook about what’s going on in our country with the BLM, protests, riots, “white privilege”, etc.  It seems every day all I see online is news on all of these fronts and I’m not one that normally wants to stir things up especially when it comes to political issues.  This morning I woke up and was thinking again on all that is going on in our country right now and I was wondering why this bothers me so much.  We’ve had plenty of other political issues and I’ve never written about them as much as I have this one. So what is it?

I finally figured it out this morning.  The reason I am reacting so strongly to what is going on with this BLM movement is because it’s abusive.  Yes.  That’s right.  It is nothing more than ABUSE.

Let me ask you a few questions.

If your child did something really bad and you needed to discipline your child, would you go and get your other child who had nothing to do with whatever happened and punish them?  No that would be absurd.

Let’s take this a little further.  If someone commits murder, do you go over to someone else’s house who just lives in the same neighborhood as the murderer and go and arrest them, try them and sentence them just because they lived in the same neighborhood as the perpetrator?  No that would be absurd.

Let’s go even further.  If someone from decades or even centuries ago commits murder, do you go and find someone who has the same last name as he does and try him for murder?  No that would be absurd.

So then why is it completely acceptable for people who believe they are descended from slaves who were brought here by people who may or may not be my ancestors or your ancestors to be held accountable and punished because of their actions?  How is that acceptable?

I have never met anyone who thinks that slavery was acceptable.  Oh I keep hearing there are “white supremacists” and I suspect there are, but I’ve never met one.  I’ve never met one person who when we discuss the issues of slavery as well as other issues in our historical past thinks that ideology was acceptable.  The truth is, it was the accepted practice for many centuries, across the world and it was not limited to white people being the masters nor black people being the enslaved.  But that could be a topic for a whole other post on who was enslaved, the history of slavery, etc.

Let’s get back to the meat of this thing.  The truth is that we are being bullied, we are being ABUSED.  Yes that’s right.  We, the white people are being abused.  What you cry?  How are those “privileged” white people being abused?

Let’s look at it in detail shall we.  First of all, I lived with a very abusive man.  So I have a lot of knowledge on this subject as I have done a lot of study to figure out how it happened, what happened, etc.  In order for an abuser to gain control of their victim, they have to first rewrite what the victim thinks of themselves.  In my case, my abuser was my husband.  I actually went through this twice on two different levels.  The first one was very subtle and can sometimes be more difficult to understand.  It starts small with them telling you how they want to “help” you be a better person.  They approach you with care and concern and tell you how you do this thing and that makes people not like you.  So if you would just do something else, say something differently, don’t do this or that then those people will like you.  You think they mean well so you listen to them.  The more you listen to them the more they tell you that “people don’t like you”, “you talk too much”.  It progresses the longer you know them and then they just flat out tell you that “you don’t matter”, “you aren’t important”, “there is nothing good or beautiful about you.”  Now, do those sound like things a loving person who cares about you would say?  No they aren’t.  That is how abusers work.  They start out telling you how you need to do this “for your own good” and when they get you to buy into that then they start using it to control and manipulate you until you get to the point that you believe everything they say about you and that you are evil and they can do no wrong.  In the second case it was much more aggressive and typical behavior.  That abuser would ask me questions about me, wanting to “know me and understand me” better.  But then when that abuser didn’t get something he wanted then he would take any information he had and twist it and shoot it at you like an arrow straight to the target.

I’ll share a story to help you understand this point better.  I remarried after my husband died and this man was extremely kind to me telling me good things about me making me believe in myself again after I had believed for 18 years that I was not worthy of anything.  That kindness was so unusual that it drew me to this person.  After we married, however, things changed quickly.  If I didn’t do something he wanted which very often was to give him money to spend on something extravagant oh like buy his child a car or buy him his own ranch then he would go back to all those conversations we had prior to marriage.  When I trusted him and told him how worthless my husband had made me feel and the horrible things he had said over the years.  Now he pulls those out.  Your husband was right.  There is nothing beautiful about you.  It got to the point that one day he stood screaming at me, “no wonder your husband shot himself.  That’s better than living with you.”  Now, you are probably gasping at this point shocked that anyone would say something so horrible to the survivor of suicide. 

You see this clearly as abuse.  It’s the obvious kind of abuse, but it all started, the plans were laid with those earlier lies with someone telling me it was for my own good that I change, and then slowly over time telling me how worthless I was.  When an abuser tells you lies about yourself often enough and when they are the only ones speaking into your lives, then you begin to believe them.  The other thing abusers will do is isolate you from anyone who would speak positive things into your life.  In my case, I was isolated from all my friends told they didn’t like me or they had said or done this behind my back so I shouldn’t trust them.  In the second case it was more obvious with me being forbidden to go anywhere or talk to anyone because those people were bad for our marriage because they didn’t like my husband.

Are you seeing it yet? 

In this BLM movement, we are being told that we need to change because we don’t understand how hurtful our actions are.  That’s the beginning.  The “it’s for your own good” line.  But as this BLM movement has progressed, they have been telling us that we are bad, that we have all these unconscious biases and that we are all racist we just don’t know it.  Are you seeing it?  Then we are being told that every one of our ancestors did horrible things and enslaved others.  Shouldn’t we be ashamed of who we are because of where we came from?  Then there are the demands that we repay these people for all these wrongs we have done them.  I see videos and photographs of white people being told to kneel before the black people to make up for all the wrongs that were done to them?  Is this sounding at all to you like an abusive spouse?

The purpose of abuse is to gain control over their victim.  It is to take away their sense of self so that they will not know who they are and will be more easily controled and manipulated telling them the lies you want them to believe.  This is exactly what is being done by the BLM movement and the media.

Now, let me ask you this.  If a black man were put into chains, ordered to do physical labor, denied his freedom and told he was worthless would you allow that?  No. And I should hope not.  That is exactly what happened and it was horrible.  I think we all agree to that.

But is it acceptable to tell someone that all of their ancestors did bad things so therefore they are bad and they don’t “deserve” the things they have and they should be “ashamed” of who and what they are?  Is it acceptable to strip a white person of everything good they have achieved on their own just because other people in the past who had the same skin color did bad things?

So why is this acceptable?  Why are we allowing this?

Remember the movie, The Help and what the character said daily to the little girl she was caring for, “You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important.”  Who do you think shaped that little girl?

I don’t support the BLM movement because I find it to be abusive.  I think the horrible things being said about white people just because they are white is appalling.  I think anyone trying to suppress another person’s voice is abhorrent.  I don’t think anyone should be punished because of atrocities done by others.  I don’t believe that assault, blinding and killing police officers who are doing their job is acceptable behavior.  I believe that people who break the law are criminals and that includes those who are on the police department payroll or those who are protesting and looting, starting fires and assaulting others.  If you don’t think it was acceptable to strip a man of his dignity and enslave him then how can you stand there and demand that someone else bow down to you and tell you they are a horrible person?

No one on this planet can go back in time and change our history.  All we can do is learn from it and do better in our present and for our future.  Removing all the statues and monuments from history isn’t going to undo what was done.  In fact, the first thing an abuser will do is try to rewrite your history so that you don’t believe what you used to believe about yourself.  This is a very dangerous precedent we are allowing right now.  Allowing abusive people to manipulate and control the masses and the masses not just allowing it but actually joining the abusers to abuse their own selves in some kind of sick attempt at self-flagellation. 

I will never support the BLM movement and I am appalled by those who claim to care about people who do support it.  I am appalled every time a business sends me an email telling me how they support the BLM and what they are going to do to support them.  Do not confuse my feelings of disgust at the BLM movement to my feelings for the people they pretend to represent.  I love people.  I care about people.  I think ALL people are important.  I have always made it my goal to treat others the way I would want to be treated.  I don’t always succeed.  However, when I fail it is often because of the character of the other person or my lack of character not because of the color of their skin.

I’m also offended every time I see or hear someone say that “white privilege” is the reason someone is successful.  The reason anyone is successful is because of the effort they put in.  Sure, some people are born into wealthy families and have that privilege, but that has nothing to do with the color of their skin.  I was not given any privilege growing up.  My relatives were not privileged.  My family comes from what my mother called “dirt farmers”.  They had 8 children sleeping in 1 bed.  They didn’t always have shoes to wear.  They all worked hard.  I don’t think my grandparents ever retired.  They worked hard, they died.  Their children worked hard, made choices and lived a little better life than their parents did.  Each generation paid the price for the generation after it.  Some did better than others but they all made it out of the poverty they were born into by the hard work they put in.  The coal miners for many generations lived in horrible conditions dying far younger than any man should die just to put food on the table for their children.  They never amassed wealth.  Those who worked in factories for mere pennies and lived in horrible slums because they couldn’t afford anything else, they never amassed wealth.  Children used to work instead of go to school so the family could afford to eat.  We’ve had plenty of poverty in this country.  Those people didn’t better their lives just because they were white.  When you say “white privilege” you are stripping the person who worked hard to get to where they are of all the effort they put in.  You are the abuser saying to the victim how they don’t “deserve” something.

I’ll leave you with one last story that I hope will help you see what is being done.  Before my husband committed suicide, he got to the point of being aggressively abusive rather than passively abusive.  I was pregnant with our 4th child at the time only 2 months away from delivering her and it was Christmas.  All year long I washed the clothes, fed his children, took care of his house.  I gave up my career because he wanted me to be a stay at home mom.  I agreed because it was “good for the children.”  However, it made me completely dependent upon him for everything.  At this point in time he is spending tens of thousands of dollars on himself every few months.  He’s living in New York city, going to broadway shows, paying for his friends to go and I’m left at home taking care of the kids providing their education, taking care of them, paying his bills and doing all of the back office work for his business.  I wasn’t even paid a salary for being the only office employee, handling payroll, invoicing customers, doing tax returns, paying the quarterly taxes.   During this time I was asked to purchase gifts for all the people in New York he worked with and wanted to impress.  So I spent my days taking care of 3 kids, and shopping.  I purchased all the gifts for his co-workers as well as gifts for his friends and his family and for my family and our children.  One item I couldn’t find.  I went to every store and no one had it but he insisted it had to be this item.  I finally contacted the manufacturer to find out the item had been discontinued.  When I explained I could not procure that item because it was discontinued, I was called worthless.  It didn’t matter that I had made all the other purchases, wrapped them, etc.  Our three children had begged their father to take them Christmas shopping to get me something.  He refused.  He finally took them one day and everything the children pointed out that mom might like they were told was “too expensive”.  Now, this same man had just purchased a $22,000 motorcycle for himself.  He had just paid for flying lessons for many months so he could get a private pilot’s license.  Yet a small $100 necklace is “too expensive”.  He brought the children home and they were all sad.  I asked what was wrong and they said that everything was too expensive and they couldn’t afford to buy anything.  Christmas day came.  We had given the gifts to his co-workers and he was praised at work for how generous he was.  We gave all the gifts to his friends.  We gave money to help a family who had lost a job right before Christmas.  We gave the gifts to his family.  He of course was the one to give the items and he took all the credit for every gift after all it was HIS money that paid for these things.  When we finally got back to our house to open our gifts for our family the kids opened the things I had for them.  My husband opened the $400 motorcycle jacket he had wanted.  All the gifts were open.  There was nothing left.  There was no gift for me.  Not even a small trinket from my children.  I asked my husband, “is there something else?”  Perhaps he wanted to surprise me or the box was too big to hide or something.  He looked at me and with the most disgusting look on his face he said, “You don’t DESERVE anything.”  That is what abuse looks like.  It demands and demands and demands and it tells you that no matter what you do, no matter how much effort you put in that you are worthless.

I think that is why what is going on in the media today, what is playing out in our cities all over this country is making me take a stand against it.  It is nothing but abuse.  It is people trying to control others through fear and violence and making demands and telling me that I’m worthless that you are worthless because of the color of your skin.

I support the fair and equitable treatment of every person regardless of the color of their skin and if there are laws or things going on that are keeping any person from having the same rights and opportunities as another then I support changing those laws.  However, I will not support anyone who wants to remove history because it is only by knowing our history and learning from our mistakes that we can grow.  I will not support anyone who wants to harm another individual and that includes the police.  I will not support anyone who demands that I or anyone else owes them anything because of something someone else did to someone else long before I was even born.  I will not support anyone who says hateful things.  I will not support anyone demanding that someone bow down and apologize to them.  I will not tolerate abuse and I will not be silenced because of the color of my skin.  ALL LIVES MATTER!

It is time to stop the hatred and violence.

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